I’m a high school teacher, and during lunch in the staff lounge, the history teacher walked in looking utterly defeated. She told the principal, "A student tried to convince me his dog ate his homework, and when I didn't believe him, he produced a zip-lock bag of dog poop as evidence." Apparently, she didn't open the bag, thank goodness. Not sure why the student couldn't reprint the paper.

“If it seems like I tend to not respect people it’s probably because they use emojis instead of English, but they do the same because I don’t use emojis, not because they think I don’t respect them.”

"We aren't lying, we are just presenting the truth in a highly optimistic parallel universe."

I was sitting in HR finishing up some paperwork when the director’s door opened. She was talking to a manager. She looked him dead in the eye and said, "Michael, micro-managing their bathroom breaks is not a KPI." I had to fake a coughing fit to hide my laugh.

“It’s as if I’ve lived through this before and didn’t really enjoy it.”